


when you go down all your darkest roads (i would've followed)

by thirteenandyaz



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, basically thirteen is sad and traumatised and needs a hug, set after orphan 55 and before ep4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22322239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteenandyaz/pseuds/thirteenandyaz
Summary: She can’t look at the steps anymore. Every time she does, she sees the glowing hologram of the Master, remembers Gallifrey, burnt and wrecked again and hears the whispers of the rags, taunting her about the Timeless Child. Every time she takes a step towards them, she feels a loneliness, deeper than she’s ever felt before, pushing down on her, threatening to crush her.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 18
Kudos: 178
Collections: Thasmin! Fics!





	when you go down all your darkest roads (i would've followed)

**Author's Note:**

> long time no see! i hope you enjoy and apologies for any errors :-)

She can’t look at the steps anymore. Every time she does, she sees the glowing hologram of the Master, remembers Gallifrey, burnt and wrecked _again_ and hears the whispers of the rags, taunting her about the Timeless Child. Every time she takes a step towards them, she feels a loneliness, deeper than she’s ever felt before, pushing down on her, threatening to crush her.

And it’s all she can think about. She’s alone _again_ , with nothing but her spiralling thoughts for company. So, she hides.

Hides and keeps busy.

If she stays under the console for long enough, cutting a wire here, flipping a switch there, keeping herself occupied, for a moment she can forget. But the minute her hands still her thoughts come rushing back so she simply doesn’t stop. She can’t stop.

Who knows, if she keeps tinkering for long enough, maybe she’ll manage to persuade the TARDIS to get rid of the stairs.

Of course, her tactic of hiding raises a multitude of issues, mainly the fact that up those stairs is food, her bed and most importantly, her fam. But still she doesn’t stop. She takes her friends on daily trips, to safer planets, trying to let them relax after Tranquillity. she rattles off her knowledge, she puts on a grin and her friends are, she hopes, none the wiser.

It’s fine, she figures. As soon as she can get rid of those stairs and clear her head, she’ll be fine. And in the meantime, she can always sleep on the floor.

* * *

Yaz slid into her chair in the kitchen with a sigh, shrugging off her coat and smiling up at Graham as he passes her a warm cup of tea. She wrapped her frozen fingers around it gratefully as Ryan joined them.

They had spent the day on the most amazing planet, a proper winter wonderland, with fresh snow and Christmas markets and the best hot chocolate Yaz had ever tasted.

It should have been perfect. But the whole day Yaz was distracted by the Doctor. No matter how hard the Doctor tried to maintain a sense of normality, rattling off facts like some intergalactic tour guide, Yaz could see her smile slipping every time she thought the others couldn’t see her. A beautiful new world to explore, but the Doctor stayed stuck inside her head.

“You alright Cockle?” Graham asked, jolting Yaz out of her head. She looked up to see Ryan and Graham watching her, concerned.

“Is it about the Doctor?” Ryan asked softly, and Yaz nodded.

“Something’s happened to her. Ever since we met the Master, she hasn’t been the same. We never see her in the TARDIS, I don’t know if she even sleeps or eats, she still hasn’t really told us anything-“ She broke off, taking a sip of tea and trying to ignore the pinch of tears behind her eyes.

“Whatever it was, something about Tranquillity made it worse,” Ryan added, sounding worried. “She seems proper rattled.”

Yaz nodded, remembering the almost forceful way the Doctor had tried to push her away from the Russian sign, and the hint of desperation in her voice as she addressed them all when they arrived back.

Graham laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“All we can do is try to show her that we’re here,” He said, and Ryan murmured his agreement.

* * *

The Doctor’s eyes had begun to droop as she fumbled clumsily with the tangle of wires she had created, and she cursed her past self for falling into an almost human sleep pattern. Relying on sleep was so inconvenient. Her ship had long since fallen silent, a sure sign that her friends were asleep and the TARDIS didn’t want to wake them. She was glad. The last thing she wanted is for them to be kept awake, worrying about Earth’s future.

She shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts. Too close to dangerous territory. She just needed to figure out where this wire went, then maybe-

_The dome glistened under the orange sky as she watched the children run, laughing and playing without a care in the world. She turned to the person next to her and gasped._

_“Missy?” She asked, scared to let herself hope._

_“Well who else would it be? You becoming forgetful in your old age?”_

_The Doctor exhaled a sigh of relief and dashed forwards to embrace Missy, hugging her old friend as if her life depended on it. She felt hesitant arms wrap around her and return the embrace._

_“And sentimental too,” She chuckled. “Definitely an upgrade from grumpy old grandad.”_

_The Doctor laughed, burying her head in the Time Lady’s neck, when suddenly she felt her tense in her embrace. She pulled away to see Missy’s face frozen in pain._

_“Missy?” She cried, her voice cracking as she gently lowered Missy to the ground, cupping her cheek desperately as her eyes began to shut._

_But as she watched, Missy’s form began to contort until she was gazing into the unhinged eyes of the Master as she last saw him. He began to laugh, that horrible, evil laugh and her hands began to shake._

_“No, no, no,” She muttered, wrenching her eyes away from his and gazing back at her home._

_Her hearts sank and her breath began to come quicker, until she was all but gasping for air as she stared at the dome, broken and cracked and grey under the clouded sky, the whole city crumbled, fires burning and all around her, the children screaming. Their screams filled the air and she was stuck, frozen to the spot, unable to help._

_Unable to save them._

_2.47 billion children._

* * *

She jolted awake to the sound of the TARDIS groaning, almost like the was trying to sooth her. Her hearts were pounding and her ears were ringing with the sounds of screams. Distantly, she heard someone running down the corridor and shut her eyes, rubbing them harshly with the palms if her hands as if that would help to rid her mind of the image of Gallifrey, destroyed and burnt to the ground.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she flinched back slightly. The touch was unwelcome, trying to pull her in one direction while her mind was stuck elsewhere. Her eyes flew open to meet Yaz’s worried gaze who quickly withdrew her hand.

“It’s just me.” She soothed quietly. “Are you ok?”

She held her hands out awkwardly as she longed to hug the Doctor. But from the way the Doctor had almost curled in on herself, she could see that a hug wouldn’t necessarily help.

“Course I am.” The Doctor shrugged her worries off, the slight tremble of her voice giving herself away. “I’m always fine. The Queen of fine you might say.”

She watched as the worry in Yaz’s eyes began to morph into something more, concern, distress, too many emotions that made it hard for the Doctor to look at her anymore so she turned away, rubbing at her eyes again to prevent the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Why are you up anyway? I know how much you humans need your sleep.” She asked, her back still to Yaz as she began to fiddle with the tangle of wires again, desperately trying to maintain a sense of normality.

“We’ve just finished breakfast Doctor, it’s the morning now.”

The Doctor’s hands stilled. She didn’t even know when she fell asleep but she knew she had wasted too much time.

“Plus, we heard the TARDIS making more noise than normal, so I figured would come and investigate.”

The Doctor could hear the hint of curiosity in Yaz’s voice as she began to pry for answers that she wasn’t willing to give.

“Nothing to worry about Yaz.” The Doctor turned around again, a grin plastered on her face but not quite reaching her eyes. “She gets quite chatty sometimes. Was it Ryan who said something about wanting new shoes? If you’re all up now I’ll take you to a shopping planet, best place in the universe for shoes!”

Yaz wasn’t fooled by the sudden change of subject but she knew she had no choice but to let it slide. She watched as The Doctor pulled herself out from underneath the console, leaving Yaz in her wake, the words left unsaid weighing heavily on them both. Yaz shook her head slightly, concern for the Doctor heavy in her heart, before following her up.

* * *

Yaz squinted up at the vibrant pink sky as she emerged from the TARDIS. It was unlike anything she had ever seen, completely clear, without a trace of pollution despite the vehicles and ships flying above their heads. With a pang she thought of Earth and what lay in store for her home. What _may_ lay in store, she reminded herself. There was still time.

She heard the TARDIS doors swing shut behind them and turned to look at the Doctor. She was gazing up at the sky, her face scrunched up and her hands on her hips, somehow looking far more like the Doctor than she had since the plane. Yaz felt a tiny bit of worry lift off her shoulders as she watched her. Maybe the Doctor really was doing better.

“Have we landed in the wrong place again? What is this, a space car park?”

Yaz laughed and turned to see Ryan standing next to her, surveying their surroundings.

“I think the shopping centre is over there,” She pointed to a spherical looking building at the end of the expanse of strange objects that she guessed were ships of some kind, although some of them made the TARDIS look like a traditional spaceship.

“10 points to Yaz!” The Doctor exclaimed, appearing behind them and squinting at the building ahead of them. “Come on then, it’s only a five minute walk.”

“You couldn’t have just parked by the entrance, could you Doc?” Graham sighed exasperated, before hurrying to catch up with the others.

* * *

The shopping centre was in a dome. Of course it was.

Realistically, she could see that the dome wasn’t even that similar to the one that used to shelter the Citadel of the Time Lords. If anything, it looked more like a clearer version of the hexagonal covered domes of the Eden Project back on Earth. But it was enough.

She felt her hearts beat faster as she grit her teeth and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Her breath sped up but she ignored it, clenching her fists at her side and focusing on the excited babble of her companions.

_You are doing this for them._ She reminded herself. _Just get into the shops and you’ll be fine._

That was when the screaming started.

Logically, she knew that no one was in danger. She could see the child, screaming and crying as her mother dragged her away from a doughnut stand. Nothing to worry about.

But it was there, a child’s screams ringing in her ears, and she was trapped under a dome, and suddenly all she could think about were the 2.47 billion children on Gallifrey that day.

The children she had killed, then saved and now they were gone again.

Her hearts felt ready to burst out of her chest and her breath was coming in short pants. She felt too warm and then she could feel the fires, burning her home to the ground. Her vision began to blur and the pink sky suddenly looked more orange and it was no longer clear, smoke rising and turning it grey.

She clamped her hands over her ears and looked up, up at the cracked dome and the twin suns, their light seeming to fade more and more as her vision became less clear.

She sank to the floor and buried her head in her knees, trying desperately to block out the screaming, to stop herself from hearing the Master, confessing to what he had done.

Distantly she was aware of her friends, Ryan and Graham hovering above her and Yaz crouched in front of her, but they were so far away. So _so_ far away.

Hesitantly, she raised her head. The screaming had stopped but the ringing remained and there was nothing she wanted more than to bury her head again, to squeeze her eyes shut and block out the images of her home. But as the ringing began to fade, she heard Yaz, speaking calmly to her.

“Come on Doctor, breathe with me. In for four, out for four, you can do it.”

She grabbed onto those words as if they were a lifeline and she desperately tried to copy Yaz’s breathing.

She wasn’t sure how long had passed, but eventually her vision began to clear and her breaths began to come at a steadier pace. She let her head drop and rubbed at tired eyes with hands that somehow didn’t quite feel like her own.

“Doctor?” Yaz asked, softly, and the Doctor raised her head once more to see Yaz’s kind eyes watching her. “Is it ok if I hug you?”

She nodded hesitantly and felt herself being pulled into Yaz’s arms. She all but melted into the embrace and sighed happily when she felt Yaz drop a gentle kiss to her forehead, one hand stroking carefully through her hair.

They stayed there for a while, huddled by the entrance to the shopping centre, with Ryan and Graham sending angry glares to anyone who looked strangely in their direction. Eventually, Yaz pulled away and gently took the Doctor’s hand, helping her to her feet.

“It’s ok, I’ve got you,” Yaz reassured her, as the Doctor leant on her as they began to make their way back to the TARDIS. “Nothing’s going to happen now, we’re almost back. No more Doctor, I promise.”

The Doctor once again focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

No more. _No more. Gallifrey Falls._

* * *

It took a few hours, but eventually the Doctor began to feel a bit more like herself. As soon as they had arrived back at the TARDIS Graham and Ryan had rushed off to the kitchen, rambling about how the Doctor had to eat something.

Now, lying in Yaz’s bed with her head in Yaz’s lap as Yaz sat up against the headboard, with her stomach full and gentle hands stroking her hair, the Doctor felt as close to peaceful as she had for a while. Her head was still swirling and tears were still threatening to fall at anytime, but at least she felt a little less alone.

It was Yaz who broke the comfortable silence.

“Do you want to explain what happened today?” She asked quietly. “If you’d rather sleep that’s fine, but if you want to talk…”

She trailed off, letting the Doctor know that the choice was in her hands. The Doctor gazed at the walls of Yaz’s room, the soft yellow lighting washing over her. Yaz deserved an explanation.

“The Master was my best friend.” She began, hesitantly. Yaz’s hands continued their movements but Yaz didn’t interrupt, a silent reminder that she was still there. “We were at the academy on Gallifrey together. I thought one day we could travel the universe together. But we went down very different paths.”

She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to reveal.

“Then, there was a war. Between the Time Lords and the Daleks. I fought in it. I ended it.”

She felt Yaz’s hands still and she took a shuddering breath before continuing.

“I killed them all. Well I didn’t really, I saved them all in the end, but I lived for hundreds of years, believing that I had wiped out my whole species, that it was only me and the Master left. In reality they were safe and in a bubble universe, but I still _felt_ like I had done it. But now, the Master has destroyed Gallifrey. They’re all gone, _again_. I didn’t believe him at first, but I checked and it’s all gone, burnt, destroyed and-“

She broke off, tears finally spilling down her cheeks. Yaz gently lifted her head from her lap and shuffled down so that she was lying opposite her. She reached out a hand and lovingly wiped away the Doctor’s tears and biting back her own that were fighting to spill.

“You don’t have to tell me anything else, Doctor.” She said, her voice cracking slightly. No wonder Tranquillity had made things worse. The Doctor had gone from the destruction of one home to the death of another.

But the Doctor was shaking her head.

“I want to tell you more. Gallifrey… Oh you would have loved it Yaz. The orange sky, the snow-capped slopes of red grass, the trees with silver leaves that reflected the morning light until it looked like the forests were on fire, the twin suns’ rays glistening on the Citadel of the Time Lords, it was beautiful. The Time Lords themselves weren’t a great bunch. Didn’t particularly like me. They once trapped me in a personalised torture chamber for four billion years, looking for information I didn’t have.”

At that Yaz let out a badly concealed gasp and made to interrupt, but the Doctor continued on, all the secrets she had buried deep bubbling to the surface.

“But despite all that, it was home. And now it’s gone. Really, really gone. And I don’t think I can save them this time. The fact that it was the Master just makes it worse. Maybe he’s evil, maybe I shouldn’t feel sorry for him, but I do. He’s my oldest friend, and the last version of him I saw before this was had changed. She seemed repentant, almost good even. She saved me, and I never got to thank her. And I know how it feels to have the blood of your entire species on your hands. No one deserves that.”

Her tears were coming thick and fast now and Yaz pulled her to her chest and held her tight, her heart breaking and her mind racing with everything she had learnt.

Sorting everything out could wait until tomorrow, she figured. For now, she just needed to hold the Doctor and make her feel as loved as possible.

“It’s ok,” She murmured. “I’m here, I’ve got you and I love you.”

She began to stroke her hair again as she felt the Doctor’s breaths even out as she drifted off to sleep, Yaz still whispering comfortingly to her. Once she was certain she was asleep Yaz let her own eyes shut and drifted off, still holding onto the Doctor.

Hours later, when the boys came to Yaz’s room holding two cups of tea, they found them snuggled up together, Yaz holding the Doctor tightly. The faint marks of dried tears glistened on both their cheeks, but a small smile graced the Doctor’s lips, and she seemed more content than she had for a while.

Quietly, they set the cups down and pulled the door shut behind them, smiling softly.

They’d be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are greatly appreciated <3


End file.
